Keith joined The Elders drama group at the Theatre by the Lake in autumn 2019. His first show should have been ‘Under Pressure’, a revue show on climate change. A tough challenge.<\/p>\n
As luck would have it, the performance dates were right on the time when the UK went into Lockdown with corona virus. No<\/p>\n
one knows when it might be staged!<\/p>\n
The following songs and sketches are items Keith wrote for the show. The first two sketches and a song were chosen by the Director.<\/p>\n
THREAT OF EXTINCTION <\/strong>(sounds of penguins honking) P1 Any signs yet?<\/p>\n P2 Nah!<\/p>\n P1 How long’s she been gone?<\/p>\n P2 A month I think. This cold numbs your brain<\/p>\n P1 Too right. Mine’s been away two months. I’m going bonkers!<\/p>\n P1 Me too. (looks up) Here, look out! (shouts) Skuas!!<\/p>\n P2 Quick, close up!(they huddle together). One, two…(they lift their heads and shout) Shove orfff..shove orff..shove orff!!!<\/p>\n P2 They’re a menace, they are. (pause) How’s your egg?<\/p>\n P1 (looking down) It’s OK. Yours?<\/p>\n P2 (looking down) Yep. (pause) It’s hard work innit?<\/p>\n P1 Sure is. Wish the blinking fish were close to shore, like they used to be.<\/p>\n P2 That’s climate change, that is.<\/p>\n P1 Whaddya mean?<\/p>\n P2 Well, it means the sea is getting warmer, and the fish are moving further out.<\/p>\n P1 So\u2026 the girls have to swim further out to find them. Is that it?<\/p>\n P2 That’s right. Which means we have longer to look after these eggs, and the chicks when they come.<\/p>\n P1 It’s a beggar.<\/p>\n P2 (pause) Alfie the albatross told me he had lost his chick. The wind blew so strong the nest was turned over.<\/p>\n P1 Poor old Alfie. They might not have another one. (both sigh)<\/p>\n P2 It’s not just us that’s affected. It\u2019s everything. The whole colony has less room ‘cos the ice is melting too. That’s why we’re so crowded.<\/p>\n P1 (angry)What I want to know is, whose fault is it? Whose responsible?<\/p>\n P2 Well…(looks round) Have you seen them?<\/p>\n P1 Who? (wildly) Frigate birds!!<\/p>\n P2 Nah..(looks round again)\u2026 Humans!<\/p>\n P1(loudly) Humans!!<\/p>\n P2 Shhh!! They might hear us. They’re back again with their cameras and stuff.<\/p>\n P1 (quietly) What’s it got to do with them?<\/p>\n P2. They’re to blame. I heard them. There’s an old man called At-ten-Berra, who seems to be in charge. He does most of the talking. Into a sort of tube with fur on.<\/p>\n P1 Gerraway! What’s he say?<\/p>\n P2 Well, he’s really worried ‘cos the humans have been burning so much fossil fuel they’ve caused the planet to heat up. That’s why the ice is melting, and he says it is heating up faster here than anywhere else. Hence, less ice, less space, less fish for us.<\/p>\n P1 Blimey! So what are they going to do about it,if they caused it?<\/p>\n P2 He says they haven’t much time. As things are getting worse. The idiots are burning down the old forests, and polluting the air as well. And the weather is getting worse. Floods and fires all over the place. Humans are leaving their homes ‘cos of drought and famine.<\/p>\n P1 That’s criminal that is! They should be ashamed of themselves. Why can’t they live simply like us?<\/p>\n P2 You’re right. (pause) Oh, no, I have just had a horrible thought!<\/p>\n P1 What?<\/p>\n P2 That’s why they’re here.<\/p>\n P1 Who, this At-ten-Berra guy and the others…?<\/p>\n P2 (horrified) All their colonies are dying out. They are threatened with…EXTINCTION! They want to come..and LIVE HERE!!!\u00c2\u00a0 (the penguins quickly waddle off)<\/p>\n THE MESSAGE<\/strong><\/p>\n Scene: Donald Trump’s bedroom. He is in bed when the phone rings. Sleepily he picks it up.<\/p>\n (an actor [Voice] on the opposite side of the stage speaks into a phone)<\/p>\n Pres. Yeah?<\/p>\n Voice urgent) Mr President, Mr President, sir!<\/p>\n Pres. Know what time it is? I was fast asleep!<\/p>\n Voice Yessir. This is top security, sir. CIA and FBI<\/p>\n Pres. OK. What is it now?<\/p>\n Voice (pause) I don’t know how to put this, sir.<\/p>\n Pres. Goddammit,you woke me up, and don’t know what to say!!<\/p>\n Voice (panic) Mr President, sir…the White House…it’s gone!<\/p>\n Pres. (out of bed) Whaddya mean, it’s gone?<\/p>\n Voice It’s gone, sir. Submerged.<\/p>\n Pres. Submerged! You mean… covered with water?<\/p>\n Voice \u00a0Yessir. Just an hour ago. The floods rose…and the roof disappeared.<\/p>\n Pres. Hell’s bells! \u00a0My golf clubs were in there!<\/p>\n Voice The navy got everyone out, sir. The evacuation was successful.<\/p>\n Pres. What about my special chair? My photo with Vladimir Pootin?<\/p>\n My friggin golf bag!<\/p>\n Voice I don’t know, sir. I was only told about the people.<\/p>\n Pres. \u00a0Oh, great!<\/p>\n Voice Your staff are on their way, sir, in a navy destroyer. They should be with you in four to six hours.<\/p>\n Pres. There’s no room! We are full up with Generals, Republican Senators and their wives, movie stars, the Russian Ambassador and his staff, baseball teams, my personal hairdresser. Everyone’s packed in here. We’re running out of burgers!<\/p>\n Voice No problem, sir. We have located a ski village near you in the Rockies with plenty of room, and the navy are bringing fresh supplies of food and drink. We should soon have you back in business, sir.<\/p>\n Pres. Back in business?! Trump Tower has gone. My golf courses are all lakes. There’s no reality TV, my damned Tweet account don’t work, and say I’m OK!!<\/p>\n Voice Mr President, sir. People need to hear you. The radio still works. We need you to give everyone some hope. A message to hang onto, sir.<\/p>\n Pres. (pause) Yeah, you’re right. Sure thing. I’ll get onto that soon as I can. Ring you back.<\/p>\n (Throws phone down)<\/p>\n Why didn’t someone tell me the friggin seas was goin crazy? I should have been WARNED!<\/p>\n (He climbs back into bed and pulls the duvet over his head). Black out.<\/p>\n THE PLASTIC BOTTLE SONG<\/strong><\/p>\n (Tune in audio clip. The singer comes on dressed as a water bottle)<\/p>\n
\nTwo actors dressed as penguins waddle on.<\/p>\n
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